Love And Other Things such as Cows And Cynical Assholes

DISCLAIMER : All views expressed are personal. Also an apology to Baba Sehgal fans as I just couldn't squeeze in a reference to him. Arnab Goswami fans ( Gosh, what kind of people are you ? ) should not read any further.

So a friend of mine, for the sake of his identity lets call him lover boy, has been gloating a lot these days. Well he has reasons to do so as he has done something great. Something so great that stuffs of legend will be written about him in the bro codes all over the world. What has he accomplished ? He, my friends, like the great Chandler Bing, has comeback from the dreaded friend zone to get THE girl. And much to the annoyance of people around him,who  masturbate to sleep alone at night cry themselves to sleep alone at night, he has been telling everyone how his life has changed these days. According to him this feeling is only comparable to the joy you feel when your favourite sports team wins a major championship. Digression starts. I bet South African fans in cricket and Arsenal fans in football are never going to feel that joy again. Digression ends. Well, of course soon they both will go to college in different parts of the country and enter a long distance relationship. They will grow distant and then someone will cheat on the other. Or if they are really unlucky, maybe they'll last the years and get married and have kids, then he will develop a mid-life crisis, probably have an affair. But  who cares about that, right ? At least he feels the joy.

Sorry, I may have crossed on to the dark side there. Vodka does have a weird effect on me. 

 Call me a forever alone guy cynical asshole, and a lot of people I know do call me that, but I don't believe in the mass cultural delusion that are relationships. Maybe this makes me a Bollywood cliché. But I am pretty sure, no Deepika Padukone is coming in my life to change that. Though, I wouldn't mind if that would happen. Anyways, coming back to the matter at hand, I tried, like any cynic, to make this friend of mine to believe that my way is the highway, freeway and expressway or whatever roadways you can think of. Sample this heated exchange that took place between us :

I start by telling him how the teenage years of his life are the golden and he should not waste them on chasing after a girl. He was silent for a minute and just when I thought he was going to fart, he shot back like Kapil Sibal once did to finally stop Arnab Goswami from shouting at my TV screen, saying, " Yeah, I'd much rather waste it like you sitting in my room all day in front of a computer screen writing a blog that has a lower viewership than a Himesh Reshmaiya movie."

Lover Boy : 1        Cynical Asshole : 0

Perplexed over his comeback, I ask him," Do you really want the tension of hiding it all from your parents and keeping so many secrets? What if they find out and suddenly become incarnation of Amrish Puri of 90's cinema ?". The farting expression still in place, he replies, " At least its better than the tension of disposing of the napkins and deleting internet history every time they come home from work. Also if they find out, they'll finally be relieved that I don't drive on the other side of the road, unlike your parents who still jump up at mere mention of the word closet ". 

Lover Boy : 2      Cynical Asshole : 0

Running out of ideas I start playing the good old studies and career track. This time comes a reply more insulting than the jokes that Seth Macfarlane used in his Oscar hosting gig( At least he was much better than James Franco, who looked high as shit during his time). The reply being, " Dude, you are the one sitting at home while I am going to a college. May not be a reputed one but at least it is a college with a building and a name. " 

Lover Boy : 3      Cynical Asshole : 0 

You know that moment in every superhero movie from The Dark Knight to Malegaon Ka Superman, where our superhero seems to be losing and then plays one final card. Well, this was that card. I tell him that while I am going to spend my young years playing pranks on my friends, dialing prank calls to teachers and all the cool shit that we cynical assholes do, all he will do after waking up in the morning is worry if his girlfriend left him today for a better guy ( Trust me, I know the guy even a cow riding high on red bull is a better 'guy' than him, pun fully intended). This time he finally farts and amidst the air that smelled the same as one in a cow barn, ( Ok, I am done with the cow jokes now. ) he says, " In other words you're still a virgin."

Lover Boy : All the freaking points he can get.  

Cynical Asshole : Crying in a corner  Accepting his defeat like a good sport. ( Unlike premier league fans ). 

Thus, in the battle of the lover boy and the cynical asshole, the lover boy wins. But I still believe that he farted purposefully to put me off my game. And this is what makes me a cynical asshole after all. Now, does anybody have the local Domino's phone number ? I gotta call them to ask for Pizza Hut's number. 

- The Geek