The FAGS

DISCLAIMER: Girls, please don't read this. And Baba Sehgal fans, we have squeezed in a reference for you guys after mass hysteria and riots for not including him in the last post.

Okay, so since our last post touched hearts and other body parts(like the right hand, for instance) of The Forever Alone Guys Society(The FAGS), I'd like to dedicate this post to them and show them why the grass is not greener on the other side.

The FAGS face numerous problems in their day to day lives.
When will I meet my dream girl?
Why the hell did I fantasize about Jayalalitha last night?
Have I deleted my Internet History?
Why am I so attracted to shemale porn? Am I gay?
Damn! I am out of tissues!

Yes. The world is a cruel place for The FAGS. There are three reasons for joining the ranks of The FAGS.

• You are FriendZoned. It is possible to wriggle your way to the other side. Just take inspiration from Chandler Bing.
• You are one ugly son of a bitch unique looking. This also is fixable. You will eventually find your ugly looking daughter of a bitch unique looking soulmate.
• You are BrotherZoned. In this case, you are fucked. Its okay bro, I feel ya.

First off, why is it so bad to be a member of The FAGS? Is it so bad that you torture yourself to see Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke one hundred twenty six times? No. The one and only major major drawback in my opinion is you won't be getting any. And since you are in India, the land of holy cows and Baba Sehgal, most couples dont ba-doinka-doinka-doink anyway. In most cases, the guy reaches second base at most. That's no herculean task if you ask me. You can directly advance to second base in numerous places such as disco theques, The Delhi Metro during rush hour or in the magical, retarded, kinky, porno-addicted, marijuana-altered land of Your Dreams where you are doing it everyday with Rakhi Sawant while listenening to Pankaj Udhas(pretty amazing how the power of thought can take you anywhere,huh?(no it can't! i'm gonna die alone!)). Btw you'd be surprised how many girls cling on to you in disco theques, as if you are some mallu sex symbol. Somehow vodka and coke sets off what plain water can't, i.e. their hormones. I myself had opportunites in such places but I turned them down because I was too much of a wuss and this would be cheating on my right hand I was a genntleman and I don't take advantage of drunk women(said no man drowned in pussy, ever).
Now many people will be like, "O wise prophet, I agree with you and all but there is another thing we'd be missing out on. True Love."

Say waaat? You fools, you aren't even finished with puberty yet and you talk of true love as if you are Ted Moseby. It took him also something like 80 years to find true love.

And if you are low on love, you will always be forever loved and accepted by one constant identity- The FAGS. They'll be like your cancer support group.

Now what are the awesome points about being a member og The FAG.
First lets start off by analyzing what it takes to impress a girl. The following is an excerpt from a girl's blog:-

     "How to impress a girl.

1. Dress to impress - Look amazing ! Be properly dressed. Look decent. Be fragrant (Most importantly)
2. Talk to her politely - Be humble, gentle and calm. Act like a gentleman.
3. Think before you speak - Don't treat her like a friend, don't forget she's a girl. Everyone slips up and says stupid things, but try y...our best to limit it when you're around this girl. Take a few seconds to evaluate what you're going to say before you spit it out.
4. Give her a nice compliment - Tell her she is beautiful, tell her, her eyes are pretty. Note : Don't call her 'HOT' or 'SEXY'
5. Make her feel special - Pay attention to what she's saying.
6. Go out of your way to help her. If she could use a hand with something, offer your assistance! It could be carrying heavy or cumbersome items, going with her to run an errand, or talking to her through a difficult situation. Let her finish with what she's saying and don't interrupt.
7. Be friend's at first - Be good friends. Don't expect her to be your girlfriend right after the first date.
8. Ask her out on a date - Once she knows you well and trusts you, ask her out to a date. Tell her how much you like her and that how happy would you keep her if she says yes to you.
9. Be a potential boyfriend - Don't just pass time. Instead give her time, remind her you love her everyday.
10. Don't force her for anything. (Physically) Make her feel comfortable. It'll happen when it has to.
11. You're good to go Stay happily ever after." 

Now, if you are a boy, you'll have either of the following two expressions:-

• 1. Awwwwwww.... So cute!!! So true!!! I love ponies and unicorns!!!

In this case, read no further and I suggest you immediately go to some nearby clinic, get 4 testosterone shots(1 on your hip, 1 on your arm and 1 each for your balls), do something dude-like(like helping your mom in the kitchen) and then watch Rambo, Die Hard or some Sunil Shetty flick(the ones where he roars like a mad buffalo, i.e. all of them).

OR

• 2. Dafuq did I just read?

In this case, you may continue and be proud to call yourself not a boy, but a man.

11 friggin' points? All it takes to impress a guy:-
1. A push-up bra, 2. a sexy smile AND 3.some intellect(just wrote 2. and 3. so that girls don't think i am shallow.) 

Now, I disagree with the whole excerpt have a few problems with the above excerpt. Basically, if you were to summarize the whole thing, it means that you have to drain your coffers dry on useless shit and become her robotic lapdog or to simplify it further, you have to be what Manmohan Singh is to Sonia Gandhi. So being a member of The FAG saves money, time and you also get to sing like a canary.Being a member gives you the liberty to flirt with, stare at or (in some rare, control-freak-of-a-girl cases) talk to other girls without feeling guilty. They also receive good right hand exercise. Instead of wasting precious time and money on girls, members of The FAGS can now waste money getting wasted on cocaine, coca-cola and kurkure(Hell yeah!).

But, on a serious note, stop obsessing about being Forever Alone. I know its cool and hip and all but eventually a girl will come and break that illusion. Until then, just be satisfied with your life. Now, if you'll excuse me, i'll be off to the bathroom to attain "Moksh"(if you know what I mean).

-The Freak